Goodbye, Earl OLD
by skitzo krebstar
Summary: Hermione is being abused
1. The Meeting

Title: Goodbye, Earl  
Author: sKiTzO sHy VioLeT  
Summary: Years after Hogwarts Hermione is getting abuse. What will Harry and Ron do?  
Note: Where the hell did this idea come from??? I might continue it to finish the song... but I don't know.... Tell me what you think... (Yes I know it sux like hell.... totally not my usual writing style, but I'm feeling weird today...)  
Disclaimer: The song is by the Dixie Chicks. The characters (except for Earl) are by J.K. Rowling  
  
  
"_Mary Anne and Wanda were the best of friends  
All through their High School Days  
Both members of the Four H Club  
Both Active in the FFA._"  
  
Hermione, Ron, and Harry had been best friends the whole time they were at Hogwarts. They did everything together. Get into mischief, joined the Dueling Club, defeat Dark Wizards, the usual. They were inseperable. And they liked it. All of their differences complimented eachother beautifully. Hermione would give anything to have those times back......  
  
"_After graduation Mary Anne went out  
Looking for a bright new world  
Wanda looked all around this town   
And all she found was Earl._"  
  
She met Earl at a concert. He seemed nice enough. He was a muggle and wasn't exactly the pick of the litter, but Hermione kept telling herself she could expect anything better. They lived in a run down house in a small village. Hermione got occasional letters from Ron and Harry. Ron talked about his new job working with his brothers in their joke shop, and Harry was a writer for the Daily Prophet. They always asked why Hermione never wrote back and the truth was she couldn't. Earl never let her. After awhile he started tearing up the letters. She often wondered how she, the top witch at Hogwarts in her time, was reduced to this life.  
  
"_Well it wasn't two weeks after she got married  
That Wanda started getting abused.   
She put on dark glasses and long sleeve blouses  
And make up to cover her bruises._"  
  
The abuse was terrible. If she didn't cook his food right, he'd beat her. She tried to use magic when he wasn't looking so that the food would come out perfectly, but he always found a flaw in it. After awhile he used any old excuse. If she "looked at him funny". Whatever. She covered the bruises up the best she could, but people knew.   
  
"_Well she finally got the nerve to file for divorce  
She let the law take it from there.   
But Earl walk right through that restraining order  
And put her in intensive care._"  
  
Her one friend, ironically Earl's mother, told her to divorce him. She had taken quite a liking to Hermione and was always disappointed in her son. Of course, she loved Earl, but she couldn't believe what he was doing to this girl. Hermione took her advice and visited the lawyer doing two things. Divorcing Earl and putting a restraining order on him. She had to. Otherwise he would keep abusing her. Earl didn't like that, and beat Hermione so bad she had to be rushed to the hospital, Earl's mother crying the whole way.  
  
"_Right away Mary Anne flew in from Atlanta  
On a red-eyed midnight flight  
She held Wanda's hand and they worked out a plan   
And it didn't take 'em long to decide......_"  
  
Ron and Harry were outraged to find out and they immediately went to go see their friend. They comforted her the best they could and talked about what they could do to Earl. It took them all but five seconds to realize.......  
  
"_THAT EARL HAD TO DIE!!!!_"_  
_  



	2. The Ending

Title: Goodbye, Earl part 2  
Author: sKiTzO sHy VioLeT  
Summary: Years after Hogwarts Hermione is getting abuse. What will Harry and Ron do? Based on the song by the Dixie Chicks.   
Note: Wow I got such an overwhelming response I'm continuing it! Thanks guys! ::hugs::   
Disclaimer: The song is by the Dixie Chicks. The characters (except for Earl) are by J.K. Rowling  
  


~*~  


"_Goodbye Earl!"  
  
_There was no doubt about it... Earl had to die. Ron paced the hospital room. "We could do it easily." he muttered. "All it takes is a matter of green lightning..."  
  
"No!" Harry shouted. "We can't do that! That's illegal. Besides, no one deserves to die like that." His green eyes filled with sorrow, and Hermione squeezed his hand, even though it hurt to do so.  
  
"Harry's right, Ron." she struggled to speak. "It is illegal. Besides, we shouldn't use magic. It'll look bad."_  
  
"Those black eyed peas tasted all right to me!"  
  
_Ron nodded. "Okay." He mumbled in agreement. "Magic's out. What can we do then?"  
  
"Poison his food." Hermione squeaked. Damn him not liking her food. He acted like a bad taste would kill him.   
  
Well this time it would.....  
  
It was easy enough. When she was out of the hospital Hermione went to Earl's house, pretending to grovel. She offered to make him dinner and slipped some colorless poison into his portion of black eyed peas.  
  
"These taste funny." he grunted as he tasted them. His eyes narrowed and he glared at her. Hermione knew a beating could follow.   
  
She took a bite of her own and shook her head. "Those black eyed peas taste all right to me." she said, not allowing any fear to creep into her voice.   
  
"Whatever." he proceeded to eat the rest of his food, including the peas, and Hermione felt at a rush of calm.   
  
_"You feelin' weak?   
Why don't you lay down and sleep?  
Earl, ain't it dark,  
Wrapped up in that tarp, Earl?!"  
  
_It didn't take too long, but it felt like an eternity. His eyes rolled up and he fell out of his seat.   
  
Hermione exhaled and dialed Harry's number. "It's done." she said.  
  
The two men came over and put the body in tarp with pillows so it didn't actually look like a dead body.   
  
_"The cops came by to bring Earl in  
They searched the house high and low  
They tipped their hats and said   
'Thank you ladies, if you hear from him, let us know.'"  
  
_The next day the cops came by to arrest Earl for not respecting the restraining order. Hermione felt a twinge of anger. She didn't understand why they didn't come a few days before. She let them search the house and when they left Hermione burst out laughing. They actually told her to tell them if she heard of them! She had killed him and they were worried about her. She told this to Ron and Harry and they found it pretty damn hilarious as well._  
  
"Well the weeks went by and spring turned to summer  
And summer faded into fall  
And it turns out he was a missing person  
Who nobody missed at all."  
  
_Save Earl's mother, nobody noticed really that he was gone. His friends were all deadbeat trash, and since Earl wasn't there to leach off of they didn't care.   
  
"Well, at least there's an upside." Earl's mother told Hermione. "He's not beating you anymore."  
  
Hermione smiled. Indeed he wasn't._  
  
"So the girls bought some land   
And a road side stand out on Highway 109  
They sell Tennesse Ham and strawberry jam  
And they don't lose any sleep at night."   
  
_With the help of Ron and Harry she rebuilt her life. Harry got her a job at the Daily Prophet, and Ron got her an infinite supply of practical joke items. (Even though she never really used them. It was nice to know he was doing something for her.) They even built her a house. Two stories, painted white with green trimming. She had always thought that if she killed someone she'd feel guilty and turn herself in. But no she realized that wasn't true and barely gave the murder another thought. After all, it was necessary. _  
  
"CAUSE EARL HAD TO DIE!"  
  
_Cause Earl had to die. _  
  
"Goodbye Earl."  
  
_Nobody spoke of him, and occassionally Hermione would go out to the lake and spit on it as if to say "Good riddance!"_  
  
"We need a break.  
Let's go out to the lake, Earl.  
We'll pack a lunch!  
And stuff you in the trunk, Earl!"   
  
_That night had been the greatest in her life. They were so careful. They waited until dark to bring Earl to the car and stuff him in the trunk of his car. Then they drove out to the lake and dumped the body. As soon the body disappeared under the water Hermione felt as if her spirit had been released. _  
  
"Well is that all right?   
Good! Let's go for a ride, Earl!"  
  
_He was gone forever.  



End file.
